I would like to address a mystery that has befallen our community: the culinary tragedy of the missing chili in a bread bowl.
Since the dawn of time, Haverford students have thrived on chili in a bread bowl: it is the ant to our anteater, the peanut to our elephant, and the acorn to our squirrel.
There is no food more efficient than chili in a bread bowl: the flavor-packed protein-rich chili, contained within a carbohydrate bowl. The delivery system is part of the meal. The most bang for your buck. If you buy a blackjack chicken sandwich they give it to you on a paper bowl or plate. You can’t eat a paper bowl or plate, at least not enjoyably.
The beloved dish was last seen sometime at the end of September. I have devoted myself to solving this tragic disappearance. I figured my best bet was to ask Ms. Erin Bryne, so I sat down next to her at breakfast while she typed in names, and asked questions.
My first question was, of course, “What happened to chili in a bread bowl?”
Erin looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t really know, we just haven’t been having it as much.”
I thought this was strange, though I knew Erin would never lie. Erin told me how, in the past, chili in a bread bowl would show its face once a month, every month for years.
Until October. I had a feeling from the beginning that it couldn’t just be a Halloween prank.
My suspicions were confirmed when we left for Thanksgiving break and chili in a bread bowl was still nowhere to be seen, another month without an appearance. I’ve begun to worry.
We are now well into December and chili in a bread bowl is still nowhere to be found. I suspect foul play.
We are now well into December and chili in a bread bowl is still nowhere to be found. I suspect foul play.
From my conversation with Erin, I felt sure the lunch staff had nothing to do with it. This left three suspects.
Suspect A: a disgruntled student, whose digestive system couldn’t handle chili in a bread bowl. In an attempt to get revenge, the student kidnapped our beloved lunch.
Suspect B: An overbearing parent, who was unsatisfied with the nutritional value of our wonderful food and abducted chili in a bread bowl and did the unspeakable—killed her. I pray suspect B is innocent.
Suspect C: Dr. Nagl, who was unsatisfied with the student body’s showing at his TED Talk and decided to get back at everyone by sending chili in a bread bowl to the United States Military Academy, his alma mater. I fear suspect C may be guilty. He will be brought in for questioning by the Mock Trial team next week.
If chili in a bread bowl is reading this, know that we love you and are working hard day and night to locate you. And if the chili in a bread bowl’s captor is reading this—know that we will find you. We have a very particular set of skills.
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